I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
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