the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
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