Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
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