I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
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