im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
