so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
