we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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