I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
