Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
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