gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Randomize
