Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
