You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
