he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
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