Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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