Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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