i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
Randomize
