He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
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