i may or may not be watching the land before time
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
