how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
Randomize
