It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
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