speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
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