Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
if someoen knew that someone accidentally drunkly kissed your boyfriend would you want them to tell you/?
followup question: what if both somones were me?
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
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