turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
