and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Randomize
