Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
