I just pynch a tree in the face
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
We left the knife in your bed.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
