Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
two words: eviction party
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
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