I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.