This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
