i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
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