The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
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