I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
