Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
