Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Randomize
