i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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