it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
