he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Randomize
