Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I could fuck to npr.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
