Whatcha textin bout Willis?
and you said cock pushups were impossible
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Randomize
