What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
