i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Randomize
