My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
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