i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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