I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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