you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Randomize
