Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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