Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Randomize
