So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Randomize
