i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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