Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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