my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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