You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
