so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Randomize
