I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
