So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
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