thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
